Ryoma Echizen and the Case of the Lust Bomb
by munkyboywndr
Summary: After winning the nationals, his friends are jumping on each other left and right: will Ryoma be able to conain himself from indulging in 'improper' activities with Sakuno? And, why is everyone acting this way? Hey, look-- a new chapter.
1. Suddenly everyone's gettin' some!

Ryoma Echizen and the Case of the Lust Bomb

As the Prince of Tennis, Ryoma Echizen, danced nude in the park, a slight blush crept across his cheeks (yes, those cheeks) from the brisk dawn wind as it flowed over his body. He still had a determined, proud expression on his face, the same expression as when he had faced Genichirou from Rikkai, yet he had never felt so liberated in his life. He pranced and skipped through dew-coated brush and grasses, left, right and up. He had been this way ever since his life was changed forever, by that girl... the girl with the tennis fetish—Sakuno Ryuuzaki.

_20 Hours Earlier..._

Ryoma stepped out of the light rail with a slight limp in his step from being so sore from winning the finals. As he stepped along the sidewalk to school, he happened to look off to his right and noticed a rustling in the leaves; there, hidden behind an oak and two large bushes, was a half-naked Fuji making out with Tezuka. Their starter jerseys were laid on the ground to make a platform for them to prove their deep internal repressed longings for one another. As moans and gasps came from the brush, Ryoma pretended not to notice. Yet, as he wincingly trotted up to the school building, he felt a slight twinge deep, deep down, as if something else was suddenly awakened. He hurried along the sidewalk up the hill and finally arrived at the school.

As he stepped into his classroom, Horio was sitting behind him, humping his desk slowly. Ryoma was scared for his life as he felt the desk nudge him in the back once, twice, thrice, and then suddenly it stopped. The blood drained from Ryoma's face as there was a pause, and then...

"H-hey... Echizen... I've got something to show you. Let's meet alone in the boy's bathroom..."

"F-for god's sakes, man... get yourself a girlfriend."

"But we're close, a-aren't we?"

"... you've got a long ways to go."

Horio was crushed; his lifelong love, or at least since the beginning of the school year, Ryoma, had rejected his lust-driven desk-humping skills. He leaned away in his chair, fighting back the tears, when suddenly a loud and grating, yet feminine, voice broke the awkward silence between them.

"RYOMA-SAMA!!1" Tomoka charged into the room, knocking over some other 7th graders as she went. "Congratulations on winning the Nationals, Ryoma-sama!" She moved to tackle him, kicking 3 desks into the wall and breaking two of them in the process.

Horio, whose name most definitely doesn't sound like "whore," saw his chance. He was a boy, she was a girl; what's there to be afraid of? He jumped from his chair and grabbed Tomoka, sweeping her off her feet, and carrying her out the room. "Echizen!! I'm going to use 'it!'" And with that, he charged out of the room with Tomoka in his arms, whom surprisingly showed no real signs of resistance.

Ryoma, who had no idea what 'it' was, and had no desire to learn such information, sighed in relief as silence befell him. Peace flowed over him like a cascade of light... until he happened to look out the window and noticed Kaoru and Momo walking arm-in-arm. Kaoru was glaring at all the people who gave estranged looks to them, while Momo was waving as they walked exaggerated steps, almost marching down the path toward the tennis courts.

Ryoma shook his head, and whispered to himself, "It's about time..."

_4 hours later..._

His final exams ended, and the majority of the 7th graders filed out of the room. Ryoma stood up slowly, taking it easy on his sore muscles and joints, and slowly put his books into his pack, one by one. He leaned back to stretch his back, to pop it twice, then exhaled slowly to let the endorphins flow. But, as he felt the pain from his injuries and such from the finals the weekend prior, he popped two muscle relaxant pills and hefted his backpack onto his shoulder. He had just begun to relax, and turned around when—

"A-ano... uhm... R-Ryoma-kun...?"

Ryoma blinked and noticed Sakuno staring at the ground in front of him.

"Ah... Ryuuzaki. Finals are over; what's up?"

Sakuno blushed deeply, as if mustering the strength to eject something from her body in a vulgar fashion. She shook lightly, as if to show how melodramatic she actually was.

Ryoma stepped back in slight anticipation of Sakuno spontaneously exploding.

Sakuno looked up, a determined look in her eyes. "I-I... I like you, Ryoma-sama!!"

Ryoma blinked, slowly taking this information in. "Of course... it all makes sense now."

_Flashbackies!!_

Sakuno got him to buy them each a Fanta when they first met so she could steal the empty can when he was done with it and get an indirect kiss.

Her form always seemed to worsen when he was around, so he would come over and tell her to bend her knees; as he passed by, she could catch a whiff of the scent of his sweat.

When she "accidentally" hit her tennis ball over into the Ginka tennis courts, she had to bend over, checking all the balls for which one belonged to her. When Ryoma came to check up on her, she bent over so he could have a nice look at her ass, and then a panty shot when she leaned even farther over.

When she had him tutor her in English, she stole his pen and sucked on it after he left, absorbing the oils from her Ryoma's hand.

Ryoma had seen all the clues (even the ones he wasn't present for), and hadn't connected them until now. He came back to reality, where Sakuno was still shaking, and staring at him, letting her eyes roam his body, at the muscles hidden under his clothes, at the 'muscle' that was still hidden from her, down below—

"Ryuuzaki."

Sakuno blushed even deeper, looking back to the floor. "Y-yes?!"

"... wait here. I'll be back in a moment."

"O-ok...!" She quickly sat back at one of the desks, looking from her hands to the floor, not even daring to watch Ryoma go.

Ryoma stepped into the hall, and instantly broke into a cold sweat. _Ryuuzaki...? I never knew... and next month I'm leaving for America. How can I deflect this kindly...?_ He walked down the hall and into the boy's bathroom... and instantly regretted it. Soap was all over the floor and on the stall doors and the sound of two bodies sliding over each other echoed throughout the room. Apparently, the two 7th graders that had left in a hormone-driven rush had settled in one of the stalls of the bathroom.

"T-Tomoka...!!"

"Ho-Hor... Horio-kun..."

"T-Tomo-chan... I'm gonna put it in again!!"

"G-go ahead, Hor-chan...!!"

Ryoma exited before they could disgust him any further. _At least they distracted me from the issue at hand..._ He stepped into the next boy's bathroom, and then regretted that, too.

"O-Oishi!!"

"Ei-ji-kun"

Ryoma exited the room before he could lose his lunch. He decided that Sakuno had been waiting long enough, and walked back toward the classroom. He strode down the hallway, and began to feel the muscle relaxants take effect. _Ooh... that feels better... but now, everything's getting a little woozy._

He kept walking, trying to shake the drowsiness off, until he suddenly heard a rattle in a broom closet on his left. "Eh...?"

He reached for the doorknob but stopped short as he heard:

"Huff... there's a 90 chance that this will feel good..."

"Ooh!! Inui-san, do--"

"100 chance that you want me to do it again."

"—it again... yes!! Cum on me, Inui-san!!"

"Ahhh!! How does this feel, Taka-kun?"

"Burning!!"

Ryoma ran from the broom closet. _What's with everybody acting so strangely?! And yet... it's so natural... I won't see any of them again... why not enjoy my last moments with them?_ He turned and opened the classroom that Sakuno was in, now confident in himself. He knew what he was going to do with her.

He blinked in surprise as he saw Sakuno hunched over his desk, shuffling through something.

"Ryuuzaki?"

Sakuno jumped back, having been rummaging through his pack. "H-hai?!"

Ryoma pretended not to notice. "I-I... I like you, too."

Sakuno blushed even redder. "A-ano... g-good... I'm g-glad..."

Ryoma blushed as well and picks up his messed-up pack, zipping it up and slinging it on his shoulder. He begins to leave for the door and looks back, unsure of what to say. "Want to... walk home with me?"

END CHAPTER ONE

_Next time on Rape Adventures: Prince of Tennis Style!_

As Ryoma takes Sakuno arm-in-arm toward his house, what sort of phenomenon is taking hold on Tokyo? People are suddenly indulging in strange behavior: namely, sexual. Will he be able to hold himself back with Ryuuzaki so close, or will he succumb to his deep, almost overflowing desires?


	2. Fanservice!

Chapter 2: The plot thickens...!!

_BOOOOOM. _Behind the Prince of Tennis and the Clutz of Phail, the school was rocked as someone ejaculated so much it began to flood the building. There was a weak scream as someone felt the last of their body fluids eject from their body, and began to die.

Whore-io was dead; Tomoka stood over him mostly nude with a look mixed of shock and pleasure. She had never gotten a boy to do _that_ before.

Completely oblivious to this, Ryoma and Sakuno walked down the path leading away from school. Having seen or heard all of his senpais doing something out of the ordinary that he didn't care to revisit, Ryoma was in a slight daze. Though, that could also be because of the muscle relaxants he had taken earlier that day, or, because of the fact that Ryuuzaki, his platonic friend, had suddenly confessed her affection for him, and he to her (after he thought about it). It could also be because of the strange electrifying taste the air had today. Whatever the reason, as he walked, the path before him was wavy, swirling around itself.

Leaves were falling around him, many different colors dancing around his body. A few of them spun around and landed in front of him, and then sprang up to life, and began to do many naughty things to each other, most of them sexual in nature. One spanked another while scraping against its stem, and then another whipped another with a stick. Ryoma watched, entranced by the scene taking place before him.

As he watched, he began to quiver, drawn to this act, wanting to join in somehow. A wave of pure, undiluted lust washed over him, admonishing him for retaining some kind of resistance. His right hand began to move of its own accord, itching toward his fly—

"Ryoma-kun?" Sakuno's voice brought him back to reality.

Ryoma's head snapped to meet her gaze; he stuck his hands into his pockets, a half-smile forming on the edge of his lips. "R-Ryuuzaki-chan?!"

Apparently Sakuno hadn't noticed, or she didn't care. "I-if y-you... ano... uhm... durrr..."

Ryoma stood and stared at her, seeing her for the babbling idiot that she was. But he wasn't noticing the way she couldn't even finish an entire sentence without stuttering. He was noticing the way her school uniform was incredibly attractive. The hint of breasts under the sailor fuki bow, the way the short skirt hinted at some hidden treasure, the way her shoes pronounced just how _round_ and _formed_ her feet were... If the school board had known how utterly sexy it truly was—

"... don't y-you u-uhm, think??" He slurped up the drool that was forming at the corner of his mouth. She had even stuttered, saying "um!" How odd.

"Sure, sure, Ryuuzaki. Right!" He hadn't the foggiest what she had asked him, with her body just so perfectly uniformed.

Sakuno blushes so red; it looked like she was choking on something. In fact, she may have been, because at that moment, she passed out, collapsing in his arms.

Ryoma caught her, unsure of what to do. He looked around, trying to find someone to help him carry her somewhere to rest. But, it seemed that there was nobody to be seen today; even the buses were not driving today.

Ryoma sighed, trying to clear his already foggy and bleary mind, and hefted Sakuno up into his arms, and set down the sidewalk.

_Meanwhile, in America..._

munkyboywndr, the author of this fanfiction, shudders as he realizes the potential of the situation. He stifles a giggle and, remembering that he's still in class, clears his throat, and looks around to act like nothing's wrong. The girl who sits next to him raises an eyebrow, half questioning his sanity, half wanting to see just what it is that he thinks is so exciting on his computer. He shakes his head in mock disbelief, and hunches back over the keyboard, eager to continue the story.

_Back to this incredibly stupid--ahem __**excitingly erotic**__ story..._

Ryoma got to someone's house and rang the doorbell, wanting to use their phone. But, even after he rang the bell for a second time, nobody answered.

He got the same result at the house after that, and the house after that. He desperately cried, "Ugh!!" as if he were hitting a low shot (according to the manga), and hoisted Sakuno up, who was surprisingly much heavier than she looked.

Ryoma turned the corner to find the street tennis courts that he and Momo had played on before, and was surprised to see An Tachibana, Momo-senpai and Kaido-senpai, all mostly to completely nude, doing very 'naughty' things to each other with tennis equipment.

"Oh, Mohhhmohhh... stick that racquet handle in deeeeeperrrr...!!"

"An, do you have any limitations whatsoever...? 3"

"Hey. Pay more attention to _me_, Momo."

Ryoma turned at once, hurriedly carrying Sakuno away from this horrid, disgusting, yet slightly intriguing event. He looked down at Sakuno's peaceful face, still slightly red. A drop of his sweat fell and hit her forehead with a light _splat._

"N-nnhh... hnnh?" She moaned slightly as she slowly returned to conciousness, even stuttering her moan. She blinked up at Ryoma, once, twice, thr—"Ryoma-kun?!"

Ryoma looked down at her, trying his best not to look too much like a pervert. "Ah, Ryuuzaki... feeling better?"

Sakuno squirmed a bit. "Ryoma-kun, carrying me like this... no, no, it's a dr--"

"It's a what?"

"...n-nothing... where are we?"

"I'm carrying you... to my house, I think."

"Wh-what?! S-so soon...!!1"

"What? No, just nobody else is being helpful... you should lie down, but anywhere around here is dangerous, I think."

Sakuno nodded slightly, or so we think; after all, it's difficult to keep your neck still when someone's carrying you.

_20 minutes of self-restraint and sweaty carrying later..._

Ryoma arrived at his house, and set a red Sakuno down at his porch. "There..."

Sakuno trembled as she looks around, deciding what to say or do. She settled on a stutter and a nervous bow, just like always. "Th-thank you!" She bowed low and fast, which causes one of her pigtails to fly forward and swat Ryoma in the face. "A-ah!!" She backed away, a hand to her mouth. "I-I'm sorry!!"

Ryoma, however, is anything but annoyed. The churning waves of lust flowing through his body, from some unknown cause, coupled with the effects of the muscle relaxants, topped off with the slap to the face from the pigtail, sent him into a daze. He staggered backwards, looking around at nothing in particular, and began to lose his balance. The porch twisted and warped around as he fell...

Ryoma awakened some time later, lying on a futon, in a dark room. He sat up slightly, propping his body up with one arm. "Ah... d-don't sit up just yet, Ryoma-kun." A soft, nervous voice came from somewhere off to his right.

Ryoma looked around, ignoring the feeble request. "R... Ryuuzaki?"

Sakuno walked over to him on her knees, and eases him back down on his back. "Y-you hit your head, Ryoma-kun... you might have a concussion. Just take it easy." She said this surprisingly directly.

Ryoma blinked; this is so different from the Sakuno he knew and... liked. He felt a twinge of red bubble along his cheeks, and turned away from her so she didn't see. _This is ridiculous... why am I feeling this way, all of a sudden?_

"Ryoma-kun... relax, ok? You might have a concussion from banging your head like that." Ryoma turned slightly to look at Sakuno, and their eyes met for just a moment. For the first time, Ryoma took her whole appearance in. Hazel eyes, long, curly hair, perfectly-shaped cheeks and chin, a slight upturn on her lips to give her a bit younger of appearance. Her neck was slightly thinner than average, but then, so was the rest of her body.

Ryoma's eyes scoured the rest of Sakuno's body, roaming over the curves and flatter areas, and almost make it to her knees when suddenly they heard a voice outside Ryoma's window, and saw two silhouettes pass by toward the front door.

"This is Ochibi's house, ne?"

"I believe so... let's see if he's home. 3"

The doorbell rang.

Sakuno flinched to go get it, but Ryoma grabbed her knee and held it for a second. "Shh... these guys are weird. Let's just let them leave."

Sakuno looked down at Ryoma and nodded silently. Sakuno and Ryoma froze and stared at each other, eyes locked, neither of them daring nor willing to break contact.

_Outside, on the front porch..._

Oishi reached to push the bell again, after nobody had answered. "That's weird. Where is everyone today?" He looked over his shoulder just in time to see Eiji soaring toward him, leaping into a glomp. Oishi and Eiji crashed to the ground, wrestling with other in lust. Eiji peppers Oishi's neck with light kisses, reaching around to nibble on his ear.

Then, suddenly, Oishi pushed Eiji over, and pinned him in an arcing motion. "Moon Volley!"

Eiji grinned and Oishi takes the initiative, mounting him in preparation for the intensely passionate act they were about to commit on Ryoma's front porch.

_Back inside the Bat Cave—er, Ryoma's Room..._

The darkened room holds an even more passionate scene: Sakuno was bending over Ryoma's head, glossy lips just millimeters apart, and even closer to his. Ryoma stared up into her eyes, still not breaking eye contact. _If I say anything, she'll back off... should I do that, or do I not want to...?_

_In the middle of the street in front of the school..._

A partially disrobed girl with a red tennis racquet and equally red tennis balls walked confidently away from the school building, clothes still dripping with white liquid. Her brown ponytails bounced as she grinned to herself, thinking about the boy she left in the bathroom, dehydrated to death from... 'giving' her all the liquid he had. She crossed the empty streets and finally arrived at a tennis court, where two people are actually adhering to the confines of the original storyline—they were playing tennis. Yes, Genichiro Sanada and Kippei Tachibana were playing singles, rallying back and forth.

"Invade like fire...!!" The blazingly fast serve crashed past Kippei before he can stop it.

"Damn."

"It will always be the same. Just give up."

The girl grinned and stepped into the court, hands on her hips. "Hey! If you two are done, why don't you play against me?"

Genichiro blinked at her, slightly amused and also slightly irritated. "Foolish girl. You wouldn't last one game, must less play two sets against the both of us."

Kippei looked embarrassed. "H-hey...! Get dressed... it's disrespectful to the tennis court!

The girl shook her head at Kippei. "Whatever. If you're confident enough to play me one-on-one, you're welcome to try. But, it'll last twice as long if there're two of you."  
Kippei scratched his head. "Uhm... you know who we are, right? We're both two of the best tennis players in Japan."

The girl giggled and walked into one side of the court. "Let's just play."

Genichiro scoffed, "Only if you can hit one past me... girl."

The girl tossed the ball about a foot up and lightly served it into Genichiro's court. It bounced very little, moving rather slowly, barely making it over the net. Genichiro grinned and jumped at his chance. "Fool. You need to learn how to serve properly!" He dashed at the ball and swings at it.

Kippei gasped at what Genichiro did next.

The girl waggled her finger. "Well... that's just naughty of you... you shouldn't be doing that on the tennis court. It's... **disrespectful.**"

THAT'S IT FOR CHAPTER TWO! 8D

Will Ryoma and Sakuno just get it on, already?!

Now that people are actually playing tennis, will this ruin the erotic tension?

Who is this partially dressed girl who beat 'The Emperor' with just one serve?

_All next time on the Chip 'n Dale's Rape Rangers...!_


	3. Why, God! Er, Tomoka!

Chapter 2: PWND

_**Disclaimer: **__**Yes**__**, for all of you who have been wondering, I **__**do**__** own Prince of Tennis. And I also own McDonald's and Sonic Drive-In, but not Burger King. D: Stubborn CEO won't sell it to me.**_

_&_

_Chapter 3 – Why, God? Er, Tomoka?!_

Kippei staggered back, completely taken aback by what had just taken place. The mostly disrobed girl stood where she had served from, arms folded, grinning as Genichirou passionately nibbled at Kippei's earlobe, attempting to get Kippei's shirt off his body. "G-genichirou-san?!" Kippei shoved Genichirou off his body, scooted back and got to his feet. "Wh-what's going on?!"

The girl raised a second red ball to her racquet, taking a horribly misshapen stance. "There's no escape."

Kippei held up his arms in alarm. "D-don't...!! I don't know what's going on here, but if you're going to challenge me, let's play with my balls."

The girl licked her lips. "I'd like that."

Kippei glared at her. "Pl-please be serious!! I'll serve, and if I win, you'll turn Genichirou-san back to normal, and leave us alone! Just one game!"

The girl's eyes gleamed. "And if I win...?"

Kippei gulped.

The girl grinned. "If I win... you'll be my sex toy forever."

Kippei stepped into the court. "Hmph. Only if we don't use those red balls of yours."

The girl got into her horrible stance again. "Whatever you say."

Kippei threw the ball into the air, cocked back and shot the ball toward her, acing his first serve. "That's 15-Love."

The girl giggled. "You don't need to call me 'love' yet."

Kippei growled angrily and pitched the ball into the air. "My serves are too fast for you to even see!" He aced it, and brought another ball to his racquet. "30-0."

The girl smirked. "Just because you can hit a fast ball doesn't mean that you're going to win."

Kippei scoffed and aced the third serve. "Just try returning one! I just need to get one more ball past you and I win the game! 40-0!"

The girl licked her lips. "I guess I have to return this."

Kippei tossed the ball up into the air, leaning back to prepare for his best shot thus far. His eyes glinted with victory as the ball reached the apex of his toss, slightly rotating—

Kippei was suddenly tackled and pressed to the ground, Genichirou-style. "Kippei, I can't hold back any longer!!" Genichirou was so overcome by cresting waves of hormones that he had lost all sense of reason (which may be why he's going after Kippei).

The girl grinned. "That's that...!" The ball hit the ground and rolled off the court. "Fault!" She picked up another one of the green balls that Kippei had been playing with earlier and awkwardly tapped it over the net, where it rolled past Kippei, whose shirt was now mostly off, and shorts slightly askew from Genichirou's naughty little hands. "40-15!"

Kippei tried to wrestle Genichirou off of his body. "G-get off... you're dooming us both!"

The girl tossed another ball into the air and barely hit it with the edge of her racquet, sending it barely into the singles zone. "40-30!"

Kippei shoved Genichirou off of his body, leapt up and grabbed his racquet and ball off the ground. "Shi--" He was about to serve one back to the girl, but Genichirou glomped him again, knocking the racquet and the ball out of his hands again. "G-get off, fool!!"

"That's 40-all..." The girl pulled out one of her red balls and got into her serving stance, carefully measuring the trajectory. "This is for the win." She tapped it and the ball sailed over the net, bouncing once over Genichirou's lust-ridden body, and then bounced off of Kippei's head to give her the game and set. "Game, me!!"

As the ball hit Kippei in the head, he seemed to feel a jolt of electricity flow through his body. The problems of the world, the pain from his knee being ground into the asphalt tennis court, all seemed to melt away; the only problem he saw was that he had been neglecting his new love, Genichirou. He swung around to meet Genichirou's attraction head-on, lips meeting in the most slobber-filled way.

If the girl were still there, she probably would have felt slightly repulsed. But, she was already walking down the street, toting her racquet and two more red balls.

_Meanwhile, at the Echizen front door..._

The mailman has been dragged into a threesome with Oishi and Eiji. Such techniques are being employed here that I can't legally describe them here!

_Meanwhile, in the Batcave..._

Robin finally gives into his deep, burning desire and gets it on... with the butler.

_Meanwhile, at Seigaku Jr. High..._

Arai bursts in through the front doors and looks down in surprise at the white, sticky substance on his feet. "What th--!!" He is then shot for having a mullet in the wrong decade. Repeatedly. By the FBI, who are in Japan, for some reason. And... there's an explosion. Boom!

_ahem Meanwhile, in Ryoma's room (finally, right?!)_

Sakuno's face was millimeters from Ryoma's. Their lips were so close, a car wouldn't be able to tell you how far apart they were with its odometer. The afternoon light splashed in through the window, framed by the dark blue curtains, onto the bed, where Sakuno was shivering as she stared up into Ryoma's eyes. "Ry... Ryoma-kun..."

Ryoma shook slightly, too, and tried to muffle it by clenching his own hand as tightly as he could manage. "R-Ryu... no. Sakuno-chan...!!" He blushed at his sudden willingness to use her first name, a common courtesy in the States, but apparently something much harder to do in Japan, and then he backed away quickly, scrambling to get back to the wall. "S-sorry!!"

Sakuno sat up and looked down at her knees. They both stared at things that weren't each other for several minutes, and then as if to attempt to break the tension, she glanced up at him. _CRAP!! _She flustered as their eyes met, for just the briefest moment, and then she shot her gaze back down to her knees, which looked lovely, by the way. "Ryoma-kun... if you're afraid... I..."

Ryoma looked up. "Uhmmm... I've just... never..."

Sakuno smiled slightly. _That's so sweet; he's nervous about his first kiss._

"... had sex before."

Sakuno jolted. "What?! Sex?!"

Ryoma looked embarrassed. "Look, don't rub it in."

Sakuno jumped to her feet. "I-I'm not... well, I wasn't... I'm not going to...!!"

"Do what? 69? Don't worry, I wasn't going to ask you to. I'm just not sure of how to start."

"It's not GOING to start!!"

Ryoma blinked. "Eh?"

A moaning sound came through the walls; Oishi was doing something interesting (yet still indescribably naughty) to the mailman and Eiji at the same time, and Eiji had gotten a little excited.

Sakuno sighed. "I'm not going to have sex, Ryoma-kun."

Ryoma blinked again in surprise. "...?"

"That's what you think, Sakuno!!" A loud, demanding, yet rather familiar voice boomed into the room, and the window shattered moments later. Then, as the glass clattered to the ground, a partially disrobed girl stepped into the room via this new entrance. "Heh. You two are finally going to do it!"

Ryoma pointed at her. "Ah! You're... ah... someone."

Sakuno picked up the slack. "It's Tomoka!! What do you mean, 'we're going to do it?' I'm not--"

"You've got no choice, Sakuno-chan... I've decided that all my favorite couples are getting it on today!"

Ryoma thought back, far far back, trying to remember this familiar face.

Sakuno shook her head in disbelief. "I'm telling you, there's no way!!"

Tomoka, finally identified, folds her arms and points her tennis racquet (in the wrong way, with the handle pointing away from her) at them. "If you're not already hotter than rabbits in February, then I'll challenge you to a game of tennis. Sakuno-chan vs. me! If I win, you'll do whatever Ryoma wants to do!"

Sakuno clenches her fists. "And if I win, you'll leave us in peace! And make these people stop doing those things on the front porch."

Tomoka puts her hands on her hips, still gripping the racquet at the wrong end. "It's a deal!"

Ryoma tries to think further back. "Was it Kippei's little sister? ...no..."

_Next time, on the Prince of Orgies!_

Who's better at tennis—Tomoka, or Sakuno?

Just how deep _can_ that tennis racquet handle go? Oishi's about to find out!

For god's sakes, will Sakuno and Ryoma kiss already?! Even _I'm _impatient, now.

**NOTE: Sorry about the delay on the last chapter. D: I have to live out all the situations depicted in my stories before I can properly detail them. (Just kidding, I was just lazy :P)**


	4. The Plot Thins!

Chapter 3: Narrative Intervention

"Huh? Hey, wait," said the narrator, who hadn't really narrated much since the beginning of the story, and had only done a little narrating gigs on the side since the lapse of chapter updates since the second way, way back. "You're giving us plot now? But there wasn't any real plot in the first chapter. And suddenly Tomoka is a villain with pink tennis balls?"

The story heaved a heavy sigh and rolled its eyes twice for good measure, letting everyone know just how stupid the narrator was being. "You can't just tell me not to do what I'm doing. I'm the fucking story."

"Point taken. I know I'm just a part-timer, but I read the last chapter a couple weeks ago, and I've been thinking."

"Well, that's not what I'm paying you for."

"You're actually not paying me at all. The deal was that if I read your story, you'd suck my—"

"Ok, ok! Just... keep that to yourself. What were you thinking about."

"Well, I was wondering whether it would be wise to take plot and insert it into what appears to be something like softcore fanfiction porn."

"Well..."

"And you can't really even call it plot. Tomoka's beating people in tennis somehow and when the ball hits them, it... well, it doesn't really make any sense, but at least we got some otherwise unlikely couples."

"Yes! And—"

"Despite that, it makes for a really bad fanfiction if you take plot and hold it off for an entire chapter before giving it to us."

"Well... ok. Ok."

"So. Should we maybe take that last chapter back? Or at least give up on the whole plot thing? You've gotta quit this thing, man. It's killing you."

"Hey, screw you man, I can quit anytime I want."

Meanwhile, in Ryoma's bedroom...!

Tomoka is standing on the window sill with her hands on her hips, dramatically posing with her pink tennis balls. Ryoma is warily looking at her from across the room. Sakuno is absolutely throbbing with desire for her Prince, but definitely can't make a move with her friend from school watching her. What to do?

"Well?! Are you gonna—" Sakuno starts off with a dramatic villain-y tone, but is cut short by a dues ex machina at the door: the bell rings as Eiji tries to violate the button in a surge of unchecked, aimless desire. This for some reason piques Tomoka's interest, and she promptly leaves the room, shutting the door behind her.

"Wha... who is she again?" Ryoma sighs.

"She's my friend. Don't worry about her, she's always like that." She wasn't, but Ryoma was in no position to question that statement as Sakuno turned passionately to him, still lying on his bed. "So... so... where were we?!" Her hair had been tossed when she had turned to face him, and one of her two pigtails had slapped both her and Ryoma in the face. This caused her to yelp in surprise and scoot back, which caused Ryoma to stand up in alarm (could she be angry with the fact that they were about to totally swat cooties?) and knock over a wooden pole, which for some reason was being kept in the room.

Then, several things happened all at once: first, the pole hit the ground, which totally hit Kalpin's tail, causing the cat to screech in horror. Second, Ryoma asked Sakuno if she was all right, which was drowned out by the cat's squeal of terror. Third, Sakuno whined in dismay as she realized that her clumsiness had caused her to ruin another romantic moment with her true love, but this, too, was drowned out by the cat-screech. And fourth, the cat screech surprised Ryoma so much that he staggered backward again, knocking into his bookshelf, upon which a lighter was for some reason being kept.

This set off a chain reaction of events which ultimately led to the picture-perfect ending we've been hoping for since this atrocity of a fanfiction emerged onto the internets. This lighter immediately fell onto the floor, bounced, hit the end of Ryoma's bed and cracked open, spraying the lighter fluid inside onto the hot lightbulb of the bedside lamp. The fluid instantly caught fire, which spread to the adjacent lampshade.

"Huh?" both Sakuno and Ryoma breathed at the new flames, which just then began to smoke. This set off the fire alarm, which alarmed Tomoka. Tomoka, whose hand was just about to turn the door handle to check who had rung the bell, screamed in alarm and rushed back toward Ryoma's room to warn the two of the loud noise that had scared her, which she was assuming that they had not noticed yet.

"Ahhh!!" Sakuno jumped up to get off the bed and onto the floor, which didn't work well because she had just jumped onto the wooden pole, which was still atop poor Kalpin's tail. Not only that, but the pole's rounded side made her slip backward onto the bed with a yelp of surprise and dismay. The same backward slip caused her to kick Ryoma in the back of his knee, which made him fall forward onto her, landing them both in the you're-about-to-kiss-and-this-sudden-close-proximity-is-not-only-surprising-and-suggestive-but-maybe-misleading-to-people-who-suddenly-burst-in-on-you sort of way. Tomoka then burst through the door, intent on warning the two of the fire alarm still blaring overhead.

"Wuuuh?" Tomoka's mouth could not form words properly, or else she may have said something coherent at this point. However, there was no need to, because she's totally a third wheel at this point anyhow. "Sorry to bother you!!" she yelled to nobody in particular, and promptly turned to sprint for the door before doing so.

Ryoma and Sakuno hadn't noticed her, however. This moment was perfect: the house was on fire, Kalpin was screaming bloody cat-murder, the Seigaku Tennis Team regulars were boning each other on the front porch, and Tomoka was yelling about something. Their lips were millimeters apart. Her eyes: shiny. His face: pretty as always.

"Ryoma..." she said, not wanting to miss a beat. This was how all the fanfictions she had read about herself had gone right before one of them landed a sloppy one on the other.

"Sakuno..." he replied, following the cadence of the same fanfictions. These fanfictions were indeed the same as the ones she read (cute, huh?!), but he kept the fact that he even went on the site a secret from his teammates.

"Ryoma, I...!" she gasped for no directly explicable reason. He still hadn't touched her, so I don't know why she said it. Then, in an attempt to sound really cool, Ryoma tried to both say 'Frankly my dear' and 'kiss me, you fool!' but mixed the two together and, because of his teen angst, yelled the combination:

"FUCK." And their lips met. Sparks were flying, smoke was in the air, and the Fire Department had arrived to look with a combination of flames and two nude high schoolers on the front lawn with a mostly-undressed mailman. This sight caused the driver of the fire truck to swerve, and he promptly crashed his truck into the wall of Ryoma's room.

end.


End file.
